


An Inheritance Like an Arranged Marriage

by tuesday



Category: Original Work
Genre: Fantasy, Gallows Humor, Horror Elements, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Magic, Minor Character Death, Other, Sorcerers, Wizards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 03:50:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13604922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuesday/pseuds/tuesday
Summary: "I have an announcement," Master Roderick said."Not more spider experiments," a young woman to Riss's left prayed.Master Roderick lifted his chin.  "I'm dying."A small cheer went up.  It was quickly silenced.  Those foolish enough to let their elation get the better of them were frozen in place.  It could be by their own fear.  More likely, Master Roderick had petrified them all.  Someone braver than Riss would have to check the statue garden later to see if there were any new additions.As if there had been no interruption, Master Roderick continued, "And I have brought you all here to determine my heirs."





	An Inheritance Like an Arranged Marriage

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rosencrantz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosencrantz/gifts).



> Crantz, all your prompts were so good! I had a lot of difficulty choosing. I had even more containing myself to something that would take less than 10k. This one kind of got away from me, too, but it was easier to cut it down into a coherent story. (Written, but not included: potion making, waking up each day to find the book having determinedly migrated from shelf to bed, a small family of minion raccoons.) Maybe someday I will finish the actual arranged marriage fic or the time travel plot one, but I hope you enjoy these 1,500 words of magicians and magic books, plus however long the epilogue in the end notes is. Happy chocolate box!
> 
> very late eta: There is now cut content for this posted to my dreamwidth: https://everysecondtuesday.dreamwidth.org/107098.html

It was an old tome. The leather was dusty even under the protective glass of the display case, the leaves uneven and faded. They said that the last person to touch it started bleeding from the ears and put their own eyes out. At least, that was what Cassel claimed when they were all drunk apprentices telling horror stories. Vera had mumbled something about bookish perverts before passing out, though that could have been entirely unrelated. It was amazing the things Riss remembered from his days of learning when he couldn't recall a single one of the dozens of incantations Master Roderick had once set him to memorize. Riss was a terrible wizard. He wasn't sure why he'd been invited to this gathering at all.

Cassel, taller, broader, and just as stubborn as his apprentice days, had appeared on Riss's doorstep and dragged him, which was the only reason he was actually here. Vera, short as ever, but somehow even more terrifying every single day, had met them at the entrance to Master Roderick's tower and told Riss he wasn't getting out of this. "I don't care if you died—I'd resurrect your corpse, bind your spirit, and you'd still be stuck as my meat shield. I am not facing that twisted old bastard alone."

She wouldn't have anyway. A whole passel of Master Roderick's current and former apprentices, as well as a smaller smattering of others from the magical community, were crowded into Master Roderick's largest workshop. What passed for corners in the circular room were hotly contested. Vera, Cassel, and Riss settled for hiding in the center of the crowd. Trusting the walls to protect you was an apprentice mistake. Better to have a body or five on hand to throw in the way.

Master Roderick stood at the front of the room, where he'd set up a small podium like a stage. Mage lights circled his shoulders. One sat like a halo on his head. He preened at the panic and discomfort his presence brought them all. "I am sure you are wondering why I have called you here today."

There was a long, dramatic pause. A young man in front of Riss was hyperventilating and muttering over and over again, "But I graduated. But I graduated." Cassel took pity and cast a minor silencing hex. That or he didn't want Master Roderick's attention drawn their way.

"I have an announcement," Master Roderick said.

"Not more spider experiments," a young woman to Riss's left prayed.

Master Roderick lifted his chin. "I'm dying."

A small cheer went up. It was quickly silenced. Those foolish enough to let their elation get the better of them were frozen in place. It could be by their own fear. More likely, Master Roderick had petrified them all. Someone braver than Riss would have to check the statue garden later to see if there were any new additions.

As if there had been no interruption, Master Roderick continued, "And I have brought you all here to determine my heirs."

There was the absolute quiet of several dozen people thinking at once, "Not me, not me, not me."

Master Roderick pulled out a number of objects, including the infamous tome. A fiery spider the size of an eagle, complete with wings, crawled onto the podium. Other, more horrifying creatures followed it. "Specifically, to let those in my possession that can choose for themselves choose now, while I can still cull any unworthy of my inheritence."

Master Roderick smiled cheerily. "Who wants to go first?"

One enterprising young wizard threw himself out a window. Master Roderick sighed and shook his head. A moment later, the wizard came scrambling back in. Snapping winds of teeth followed, but were stymied at the sill. He squeaked, "Forgot about the air moat."

"How about you, Fluffy?" Master Roderick gave the flaming spider an encouraging pat.

It gave a terrifying SCREEEEEEEEEEE.

"Good choice! She always liked you!" Master Roderick's smile was quite the thing to behold as the spider launched itself into the air and landed in the hair of the no-longer-praying woman to Riss's left.

She whimpered. This at least explained the fire ward she had been maintaining since she'd stepped foot into the tower. The spider let out a softer SCREEEEE and caressed her face with the wispy flames of its front legs.

"Your turn, Puddles!" The oozing dark material that the less alert had thought to be Master Roderick's shadow reared up and swallowed whole one of the wizards standing in the front. Master Roderick laughed. "No, no, a new friend, not food."

Puddles spat out half of the wizard. With one long tendril, it hesitantly patted what was left of the wizard's face. 

"A good first attempt," Master Roderick praised Puddles. 

"Kill meeee," the maimed wizard said.

"Don't be so dramatic. You'll be fine." Master Roderick gave an airy wave that healed the bare minimum of the damage. "Suck it up. You survived worse than this to graduate."

Another wizard coughed. Riss thought he recognized her as one of the research assistants. "That's one of the current apprentices."

"Well, he'll need to toughen up if he ever wants to face the real world. Now, who's next?"

The proceedings continued in this vein. The large crowd was whittled down as people were either chosen and allowed to leave or chosen, but subsequently rejected by Master Roderick. Puddles eventually spat out its new wizard's other half, and the unfortunate apprentice was attempting to piece himself back together. Vera had been chosen by an undead phoenix, but was electing to stay a little longer as "moral support."

"You just don't want to face what's likely to be a creature rampage outside alone," Riss said.

Vera sniffed. "Now that I have Old Beaky, I'll never be alone again." She smiled. "But you're right. I do still need meat shields."

"Finally," Master Roderick announced, "the grimoire. A picky thing. I've been trying to get rid of it for ages." To the tome, he said, "Oh, do be quiet, you don't like me any more than I like you. Maybe if you'd been a little less enthusiastic to leave, that last apprentice wouldn't have had a brain aneurysm, and you'd already be free."

"You," he gestured impatiently at Vera, "give it a try." 

He'd gestured at Vera, but suddenly Riss was in front of her, and Master Roderick was staring at _Riss_ expectantly. Behind him, Riss heard Vera chirp, "Meat shield!"

Riss gave into the inevitable and made his way to the front. Feeling rather silly, but also like he'd really rather continue breathing, Riss gave a short bow to the book and introduced himself. "I'm Riss. I'm a terrible wizard, though I did survive to graduate. A pleasure to meet you."

Master Roderick's eyes narrowed. "Riss, Riss. Hmm." He snapped his fingers. "You're the spark who failed at book learning! All the learning, really. I didn't expect you to graduate at all. This is perfect. You shouldn't be able to do too much damage." 

He picked up the tome and slapped it into Riss's chest. Riss automatically caught it before it could fall. This was a mistake—Riss could feel something catch and hook, like even this accidental acceptance counted enough to mark his soul. 

Master Roderick gave another airy gesture, and the mage lights all went out. "Right. We're done here. Get out."

The apprentices and assistants went scurrying. The bodies were swept against the walls. A helpful gale pressed Riss and his fellows out, back to the entrance and outside. Riss blinked in the sudden bright light of a summer afternoon. Half of the statue garden was knocked over. The yard and path to the road were torn up and in pieces. A leg was sticking out of one of the mounds of overturned dirt. The trees and fields across the way were on fire. A jubilant SCREEEEE echoed in the distance.

"That went well," Vera said cheerfully. She hooked her arms in Riss's and Cassel's. "Let's get blackout drunk!"

"I want to forget everything that just happened," Cassel agreed.

As ever, they dragged Riss along in their wake.

The next morning, Riss was only able to remember bits and pieces of the night previous. A fragment of Cassel shoving another mug into his hands. Flashes of Old Beaky determinedly grooming bits of Vera's hair and his own, smoky feathers. A slip-slide-blur of stumbling home. Hands like old leather petting his cheeks and a voice like the whisper of dry pages crooning, "You'll do. Yes, you'll do."

He was dressed in the rumpled clothes of the day before, but at least he'd gotten his boots off. The sheets were tangled around his legs and feet. In his arms, curled warm and close like a pleased and sleepy cat, was the grimoire. Hesitantly, he patted the cover. It was surprisingly soft and smooth. It gave a rumble like a purr. Riss wasn't bleeding from the ears. "You know I'm not much of a traditional wizard, right? Sorcery doesn't exactly involve much in the way of books and memorization."

Somehow, Riss got the impression the book didn't care.

**Author's Note:**

> epilogue
> 
> Riss brought the grimoire with him to the funeral. The desire to verify for oneself that Master Roderick was really, truly dead was not limited to the living and the human. 
> 
> "And we're sure that's his real body?" came a hushed whisper behind him.
> 
> Vera sniffled into her handkerchief, Old Beaky attached to her shoulder. Riss was pretty sure she'd convinced it to dig in its claws to help with tear production. Riss and Cassel had to settle for looking solemn, if not bereft. They, at least, were all in agreement that one could never be too careful.
> 
> "Are we sure he only had the one?" someone else asked darkly.
> 
> The coffin was lowered into the dirt. Riss had to wonder who thought it was a good idea to go with anything but cremation, with the ashes scattered into running water on several different continents. The grimoire was practically vibrating in his arms, which was disconcerting in the current context.
> 
> "Are you blushing?" Vera hissed, though she kept her handkerchief so close to her face it was impossible to tell her lips were moving. "Why are you blushing?"
> 
> "You really don't want to know," Cassel murmured.
> 
> Riss surreptitiously elbowed him. It wasn't Riss's fault Cassel had never really learned to knock. Before it could dissolve into a scuffle, someone called for silence, and a priest said a few words. Mostly "good riddance," but there was a minor exorcism in there, too. Without further ceremony, he dumped a shovelful of dirt into the hole. More formally, he said, "And now we lay this spirit to rest."
> 
> A minor cheer went up. Those with more sense flinched automatically. Nothing happened. Even the cannier and more wary among them began to relax. And that was when the coffin lid went flying and Master Roderick's corpse clambered out of the grave.
> 
> "Free! Finally free! I promised a lifetime of service in learning, and a lifetime I guaranteed!" The lich clapped his hands with glee. A finger went flying. "And now, finally, my retirement awaits!"
> 
> This, right here, was why Riss brought running shoes to a funeral. The rest of Master Roderick's speech was the front row's problem.
> 
> Riss would like to say that was the last he saw of the man. Riss would like to say a lot of things. That he didn't accidentally bind his soul to a book. That he didn't fall in love with a (some of the time) inanimate object with grabby spirit hands and an awful sense of humor. That he never let Vera talk him into that second tattoo.
> 
> But no. Freed from his tower, Master Roderick was the kind of man to show up to weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, unexpected dinner parties he arranged last-minute for other people to host. But that was another story. In this one, Riss went home with his book and went to bed. He found happiness in this one, single good thing Master Roderick brought him. It didn't make up for the rest of it, but it was a start.


End file.
